A Guide to Speaking the 6th Love Language

Hades and Persephone had it down.

Do you remember their arrangement?

Persephone’s mother, Demeter, wanted her back above ground after Hades, Greek God of the Underworld, kidnapped her. But Persephone had fallen in love. So they compromised.

Persephone would spend four months of the year with Hades, and spend the remaining eight in the land of the living. (That’s why we have seasons, or so the legend goes.)  

And this worked well for them — they gloried in their love for four months of the year, and spent the rest of their time glorying in themselves, their projects, their individual wants and needs. 

The beauty of Greek Gods for ancient Greek citizens was that they weren’t perfect, formless, ideals. 

They were just like humans. They had caprices and whimsies and could feel bored, lonely, dissatisfied, even enraptured. 

And the essence of Hades and Persephone’s agreement is a lesson modern humanity has forgotten: space and solitude are not the poison that kills your relationship. They’re the antidote. 

Gary Chapman’s five love languages — quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, physical touch — neatly package an individual’s preferred care style. How a person likes to give love, and how they like to receive it.

But those five neglect a sixth care style that doesn’t have anything to do with how you relate to your partner. In fact, it’s more about how you don’t relate to your partner…


Too Close for Comfort

The world we live in is cramped. 

Wage stagnation and rent hikes have shrunk our personal quarters in this big wide world so small, that square footage is the most valuable part of most millennials’ homes. 

And on top of that (or maybe because of it), we expect too much from our partners. We don’t have room for a village anymore, and our significant others are expected to pick up the slack. 

Perhaps without realizing, and perhaps by hyperfocusing on how to come at our partners correctly, we forget that there’s a form of interaction that’s just as important: not coming at them at all.

In our incredibly connected, often claustrophobic, world, compacting is easy.

Instead of casting a wide social net, where lots of different people bring value to you in different ways, it’s easy to isolate, and to double down on the resource that’s most handily available.

But doing so makes setting personal boundaries nearly impossible. It makes disconnection nearly impossible. It makes saying “no” to demands on your time, your availability, and your emotional energy nearly impossible.

Love in the Old Days

We hear a lot about the variant strengths and weaknesses of the marriages of our grandparents versus our own relationships.

And while there are many significant changes — women leaving the home to work, men expanding into vulnerability, Netflix — here’s a big one: When you left the house for the day, you didn’t speak again until you saw each other.

Barring emergencies and check-up phone calls, you weren’t texting all day. Sending cute pictures. Following up on each other’s every movement.

Did it make those marriages less meaningful?

Or was the time apart a necessary structure to helping you remember that your day had its own meaning, because you were your own person?

Given the curse of time and distance, it’s hard to say for sure.

But the fact that there isn’t a culturally acceptable way to say “leave me alone” to your partner is certainly evident of how society weighs and values quality time in relationships. 

Practicing Distance Practically

Emotional well-being is studied today like never before. Terms like “neurotypical” and “neurodivergent” flood the wellness cycles of the internet. More people are seeking treatment for mental illnesses now than ever in modern history, and most of those mental illnesses…

Place a heavy emphasis on the importance of alone time, connecting with yourself, and reflecting.

So how do you know when you’re not spending enough time by yourself? And how do you know when to say something to your partner? And what to say?

Consider this:

  • What did you enjoy doing before your relationship? When you still lived alone, or woke up by yourself on a Saturday?
  • How much do you enjoy activities that your partner enjoys? How much do they enjoy activities that you enjoy? How much does that ratio impact your respective enjoyment of your preferred activities?
  • Where do you see a space in your life that doesn’t have to be communal?

It can be small.

Maybe you don’t want anyone in the kitchen while you’re cooking dinner. That’s your time, to listen to your music, catch up on your podcasts, hum quietly to yourself.

Maybe you need a weekend away by yourself every now and again. Maybe you both do.

Maybe you love your partner desperately, but miss having the whole bed to yourself. Maybe every few weeks, you sleep in the guest bedroom.

Maybe you decide not to go to the same gym anymore, because you’re better focused when you’re by yourself.

Maybe, and this may be the hardest one of all, but maybe…

You just need to say “I want to be alone, not because of you or us, but because of me.” 

And maybe they’ll breathe the same sigh of relief you did. 
Because distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, it can make your heart grow stronger.

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Dr. Pedram Shojai

NY Times Best Selling author and film maker. Taoist Abbot and Qigong master. Husband and dad. I’m here to help you find your way and be healthy and happy. I don’t want to be your guru…just someone who’ll help point the way. If you’re looking for a real person who’s done the work, I’m your guy. I can light the path and walk along it with you but can’t walk for you.